She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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