I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
