I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
