I wish I could teleport
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
