I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the day after is always just damage control
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
