Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
