She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
