It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
