I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
