his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
