so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
