I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
