A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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