I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
