Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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