I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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