New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
