Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
