Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
