I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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