I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
