i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
