I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
