I wish my penis had an off switch
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
