I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
