At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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