my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
