You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
we're so committed to being not committed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
