Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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