Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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