Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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