My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
lol hangovers are for mortals.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
