Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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