And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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