I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
