Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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