I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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