At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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