put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
