I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I puked a lego.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
