I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
