Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
