I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
