So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
