So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
