can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
