I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
