He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
