I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
