Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
