my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
