There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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